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Love Poems:

Walls & Wars

You put up a front

and have thick, high walls,

but your heart tells me you’re sad

and scared.

You keep an appearance

of strength and courage,

you show boldness and bravery.

And I am proud of you

for your strength

and how far you’ve come,

but,

you don’t have to leave your scars

on the battlefield;

bring them home

and let me kiss them.

Let me love you

for even your scars. ♥

I love you.

– January 27, 2020

9:11pm

Hush Time

Time slows for you, darling.

It yields to your wonder and beauty.

It hushes at the sound of your voice.

It pauses when we are together.

It freezes, it stands still.

You stop time with your precious worth.

I soak in every moment

and cherish it in my heart.

You hold the clock in your hand.

My time is your time.

Baby, you are wonderful,

so incredible and great.

Let time fall even slower,

my dear,

for even now,

my time with you is not enough.

No, not even forever

would be enough

with you. ♥

Fighting Love

I will work for this love.

This love,

which is deeper than obsession

or infatuation.

My love is not contingent on

your beauty, my darling,

though beauty you have,

and that, abundantly.

No, my love is not conditional

on circumstance nor feeling;

I will love you forever.

For, this love

is a working love,

a fighting love,

an imperfect, messy love

in a real world.

It is not based on a perfect,

pretty picture.

No, my love for you goes deep,

well down to the soul. ♥

– February 14, 2020

Stars

I fell in love with your scars,

though really,

in my world, they were my stars.

Your pieces were the

guiding lanterns in my universe.

And when you ask me,

“Am I loved by you?”

I will always say, without skipping a beat,

“Yes, you are.

In fact, you are my whole world.”

– May 20, 2020, 10:23am

Most Deserving

In all the ways you felt inadequate

(for me or for my love, I’m not sure),

were all the ways

I thought

you were most deserving

of love.

My Home

Tell me what they don’t know about you

and let me discover the depths of

your soul.

After all, that is my home.

You are my home.

The Parts They Never Loved

You’d get shy about things

sometimes,

because you were afraid I’d disregard or belittle you

like so many other people have.

I will never push those parts of you away.

They are the reason I stayed awake at 2am,

just to see you smile

and hear you laugh

and listen to your high school stories.

I love every part of you.

I’ll always love every piece of you.

What I Want

You don’t have to be perfect for me.

I don’t want perfect or ideal,

what I want is you

and everything that entails.

– June 2020

Home in Us

Rest in my heart,

I will be here for you always;

to provide for you,

to keep you warm and safe

and cared for.

I won’t let a feather in the world

disturb you.

I am yours

and would be blessed

if you’d be mine.

We can make a home of our souls

for us,

our home is us together.

I’ll be your haven,

you’ll be my refuge,

and we’ll be each other’s home.

…

I love you.

No One

There’s no one I’d rather see the world with,

than you.

There’s no one I’d rather experience

life with,

than you.

There’s no one I’d rather struggle alongside,

than you.

There’s no one I’d rather wake up next to,

than you.

There’s no one’s life I’d rather be here for,

than yours.

There’s no one I’d rather travel through this world and life with,

driven by wanderlust of the soul,

than you.

To me,

your story is so wonderful

and beautiful.

Even though your life can be crazy

and, at times, hectic,

I love it.

Yours is my favorite life,

my favorite story.

The one I’ll never,

could never,

tire of reading

over and over again.

So, until I get to see the next chapter unfold,

tell me, again

about your incredible life

with all the little day-to-day details.

– October 2019

An Ode to Our Journey

Through ups and downs,

highs and lows,

and plenty of ebbs and flows,

I will be here,

I will stay.

Through insecurity

and cuts to heal,

through pain and sadness,

I’m with you.

Hard days and good days,

the frustrating

and stressful.

I’m never giving up on you,

my love ♥

We’ve both fought our battles,

we both have our scars.

I want to be with you

and hold your hand,

so that when we are old,

we’ll look at the stars

(the same ones we see now),

and say,

“We’ve made it

and we’re stronger than ever before because of it.

I love you- through everything. ♥”

We’re so fresh

and young in love,

and already

been through a few rough days,

but always together.

You are my everything,

my whole world, baby.

And I want to share it

with you, forever.

I’m never giving up on you.

I’m here till the very end

(and even through it.) ♥

– February 2020 10:42pm

Adore You -An Ode to Our Journey

And P. S.

I’ll always adore you.

I’m in this battle with you.

I will not give up.

You are my everything.

I love you.

– February 2020

Blue Morning Glow

I picture 5am mornings;

the low hum of cars passing by

on the highway,

the blue dawn light

beginning to peek through

the window shades.

I roll over and see your beautiful face.

Fast asleep.

Still at peace away from the world.

I read a book since

you’re still not awake,

and sip on some tea.

Yet, I just can’t help but stare

at your perfect, pretty face.

All I want to do is kiss you

and hold you.

My book lays open on my lap,

against my knees,

on the same page for two hours,

while I take it in-

You are here.

I’m with you,

that is all my dreams come true.

That is all I want,

all I need.

You with me.

Jane Austen can wait-

you are my favorite story

to read,

especially in that 5am glow.

Eternally

I love you with all my heart

and everything in me.

And if I’ve never told you how much you mean to me-

If I’ve never exhausted the human language relaying how much I love you,

then here is my meek attempt:

I love you to the moon and back;

from there, down to the deepest trench of the deepest ocean

and then all the way back out to the farthest star.

My dear,

if, in this lifetime,

it ever makes it there,

then:

all the way around the edge of the entire universe.

If it makes it around even that

before my last breath,

then all the way back down here,

to earth- to you.

That is how much I love you.

Eternally.

Eternally big, eternally high,

eternally wide, and eternally long,

Eternally lasting, and eternally strong,

eternally enduring, persevering, and intentional.

I love you forever deep,

no matter what;

simply forever, period.

Sympathy & Hope:

Love Notes in Paintings

A good painting has shadows in it,

it has contrast and dark sides.

There would be no depth or beauty

without the black and grey and bleak.

I know it will take time,

but you deserve to believe you’re lovable.

– January 18, 2020

2am

It Takes Courage

Healing can be just as scary as pain.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m not sure what to expect.”

Those are things you always told me.

And I understand,

because healing takes courage, too.

I know you wanted healing

and I know it is daunting,

but you are courageous,

I’ve seen that in you.

And I am always here,

for when you need to fall.

Healing isn’t all forward motion.

It takes a lot of failing,

a little help,

and a couple backwards steps, too.

Loved Deeply

Deep love is scary;

it’s a long fall

from where we’ve put ourselves.

It’s hard to fall into grace, forgiveness,

and unconditional acceptance,

when we’ve been conditioned

to judge ourselves so harshly

and hold ourselves to a standard

which we cannot attain.

To fall into the enveloping arms

of comfort,

is to abandon that negative view of self and the notion

that we are not good enough,

and accept the all-seeing

eye of love

with assurance and confidence

(though it may even be shaky confidence).

And to do that,

is to be vulnerable

and have our hearts laid bare,

leaving so much room for hurt

if we are betrayed

or if they discard us because of our shambles

and push us away.

To have our self-judgements made available to be confirmed by another

is a scary, risky, and courageous thing.

Be bold. Be loved. Be deeply loved.

– January 17, 2020 6:32am

Shards of a Broken Heart

Broken souls sparkle

even more than whole ones.

Their pieces reflect hope

like a beacon of light.

They have a story of pain

and healing,

which, when shared,

offers assurance and courage,

to the still-struggling.

They know,

they sympathize,

they see.

Broken shards catch light

much better than a whole glass.

There’s more for the goodness

to reflect and sparkle from.

Have hope.

Your broken heart is beautiful.

Even if it pains you

to see your shards fill your hands,

do not let them discourage you.

Your pain becomes your

conquered mountain-

healing, which you ought to be so proud of.

Your broken pieces are what shine

in your garden of flowers,

even if your flowers grow through

glass.

– February 2020

Home in the Stars

(For all our sisters whom we’ve lost to suicide)

She finally figured out

how to step outside of her flesh

and give her spirit up

to the stars.

She walked into the universe,

and has since, never came back.

The stars were always her home,

and now she is among her kin,

where she belongs.

All the supernovas are her

guardians;

the diamonds of the sky,

her sisters.

That sun you see from far away,

twinkling extra bright today,

that is her.

She is always here,

just where her heart was meant to be:

among the galaxies

and constellations.

She was made for the

deep, twinkling

vast and free

ether of the starry universe.

Her feet will never touch the ground again,

but such is her will.

So, leave her be

and wish upon her shooting star,

you’ll still see her,

she’ll just be shining

from afar.

– February 2020

Present Scars from the Past (Excerpt)

Her scars were already burned

deep into her skin,

before you.

The marks were already there-

and are still there.

Though you were not there to see it,

It happened.

her life happened

before you arrived.

So, do not be surprised when she is not open nor trusting

nor even okay.

Her story is not for you to

transcribe nor judge.

Her pieces, only she knows.

Don’t act like you are God

that you should think you know

her situation or how much

she’s suffered

or how much it did or should have

affected her.

Be there with patient kindness.

Hold out a gentle, quiet hand.

Be there, but don’t push her.

Don’t get frustrated with her process.

Take with gentle hands,

her heart when she gives it to you.

Do not act like she is a blank slate,

she is not.

You are not the only person

who has entered her story

or made a chalk line on her slate.

You are not her beginning.

Her story does not reset for you.

Her story is a long journey

that only she has walked through-

and you have seen

only a very little of it.

Healing is a long

and messy, ugly thing.

You haven’t been through her journey.

You haven’t ever been through it

to think you know how it should go.

Give her time.

Just be present.

Give her the space and safety

to do what she needs.

You came into her life.

Remember that.

You came into her already existing life.

She did not begin with you.

And your hands are not the only

that have touched her.

– March 2020

Air Which Holds Your Essence

(Thank you for being here)

Your essence

makes the air around it precious,

just for what it holds.

Your soul, itself precious.

Your soul,

which surrounds your beating heart.

Your heart,

which creates the words

which flow from your mouth.

Your words,

the sound which the wind carries

of your thoughts

and your emotions.

And oh, how that makes the wind

so sweet ♥

What a shame it would be

if the air which surrounds you

could never feel

the beat of your heart

or carry your words

or fill your lungs with life,

again.

The world would change.

The winds would mourn

and carry whispers of solemn pain.

An emptiness

would forever be about the void,

which your essence

no longer would fill.

This world would change

without your soul;

and not for the better,

rather, the worse.

Stay here, please ♥

I’m glad to have met you-

that you are not gone.

I think

I wouldn’t have felt

such a reason to stay

having never known you.

(And my soul searched for you

to begin with).

I need you here,

you fill my void.

A locket in my heart

will forever hold yours near.

– April 2020

Heartbreak/Loss:

Dancing with Toxicity

I guess I just wish you’d care,

like some (most) other people do.

But I’ve believed the lies

that rolled off your tongue;

I’ve ignored your toxic behavior.

That’s my fault, I guess,

I just wish you were better.

It’s my mistake though

for ever giving you a chance.

Don’t worry though,

it won’t happen again;

let’s end this foolish dance.

– October 2019

One-Sided Love

It’s funny,

the way love works,

the way it plays.

It strings one heart to another,

and that heart

to yet another.

Sometimes,

people just don’t fall in love

with each other.

Oh, one-sided love,

you wretched bastard,

somehow stronger than two-sided love.

For, even two who fall in love

with each other

might fall out of love one day.

Yet, one-sided love

most take to the grave.

– October 2019

To Fall in Love

If I’d never met you,

I’d not even know

what falling in love feels like.

But I wonder:

is it better to die brokenhearted

or to live,

having never known what it’s like

to fall in love?

– January 2020

Never Know My Pain

You love him,

don’t you?

I can tell because I know.

And now you know

what I’ve known;

you’ve tasted what It’s like

to be in love.

You’ve drank from the cup

of the insane.

It’s the most beautiful hell,

isn’t it?

Or is it only hell for me,

because, well,

it couldn’t be?

I wish you all the happiness

and luck

and I hope that your heart

never has to break

as mine has.

May you never know my pain.

Cheers and congrats

to you… and yours.

– January 2020

Other World Legends

Today we stand in front of each other

and look at each other

as if through glass.

We are like a distant dream

that lies somewhere in the ether,

but not here in this life.

You can see it in our eyes:

in another universe,

we are connected, inseparable.

And those bonds tie us, somehow,

in this life,

but not enough to keep us together.

So, after we look in that odd foggy glass

and see the other’s face,

we turn and walk past.

Eyes full of moments

and memories we never shared.

Maybe in another life

we would have been more

than just other world legends.

– January 2020

Too Good to Be True

I knew it was too good to be true.

I knew I should have expected

that she’d leave me.

I had just hoped,

like I always do,

(I’m always only ever hoping)

that maybe this time, it wasn’t

too good to be true.

Maybe this time,

she really loved me.

Maybe this time

this one would really care

and prove that to me forever.

March 26, 2020, 2:27am

Reason

Maybe the reason that I deserve better, is that

you never loved my chaos,

the way I loved your mess.

Your broken pieces were art

and music to me.

Mine, were shards to be swept away,

to you.

I embraced your tears

when you fell apart,

but if I so much as missed you,

you’d ignore me.

I was a nuisance to you,

while, to me,

your quirks were the axis my world

spun around.

You were my everything,

my forever.

I was your nothing,

your never.

– May 2020, 1:17pm

It’s You

Sometimes, the tears get less

and I think I’m getting over you.

But then, later,

they come like rivers.

Other times, the tears are dry,

and on those days,

I think I can really say goodbye.

Yet within the next hour, or minute, or day,

someone asks me,

“Who is always on your mind?”

and all I can do is hide my face and cry,

because it’s you.

It’s still you.

It’s always you.

– May 2020

A Very Present Absence

When I try to remember you

or whisper your name

in the quiet of night,

the grip you have on me

chokes me

and I cannot breathe.

I cry the pain in my heart out;

you were my remedy.

Who knew the lack of something

is what is heaviest to carry?

(I am missing you and that crushes me.

… How is it that your presence is so light,

while your absence is so crushingly heavy?)

The One Your Heart Wants

Why can’t I be the one your heart wants,

anymore?

What changed?

You left just like you came,

without warning.

And now I am left with only one beating heart and

none to hold,

none to rest against.

I miss your voice.

Cake at Midnight

I sit at midnight,

and eat cake-

I’m not sleeping anyways,

these days-

because I’m afraid

it’s the only sweet thing I’ll taste

for quite a while.

…

I miss your lips.

It’s About You

If I smile about anything these days,

it’s about you.

And if I cry about anything

these days,

it’s about you.

You’re making someone else smile now… and people are saying they look happier.

That used to be me.

But now my smile is fading.

Empty Silhouette

“I’ll always love you,

I’m going to fight for this”,

I say into the empty night

where you once stood,

yet now are gone

and nowhere to be seen.

You left me standing there,

talking to myself.

Before I knew it,

you were just gone.

How did I lose you?

You left me while I still loved you,

talking to your empty silhouette.

But when would I stop loving you,

that you even could ever leave unloved by me?

Never.

Forever Ended Too Soon

You were my future;

now I don’t know what

my future looks like

anymore,

I haven’t the vaguest clue.

It all revolved around you.

Our forever was my plan,

but our forever ended

too soon.

(At least our memory will last forever,

… right?)

With Her Name

Will you marry her one day,

just because it’s easier?

Will you always attempt to forget me

with every night you hold her close

and whisper her name?

Is her name just the water you use

to try to wash the memory of me away?

To erase me from your heart?

I hope my name is never washed from your heart

or forgotten by your soul.

(Our love really was not

so forgettable).

I hope our hearts are always connected to each other,

even if that’s invisibly

from hundreds of miles away…

But I hope we find our way back home one day.

Part of me will always be with you.

Your name will always be written on a corner of my heart-

along with our small forever,

which is still engraved there-

and it will not be for anyone but you.

My soul still loves you.

Up with the Thought of You

There’s something about your name

at 3am

that rings and resonates,

overwhelms yet numbs me

at the same time.

I drown in your memory

with no way out.

I cannot sleep.

I’m up with the thought of you.

Afraid of Love

You always told me you’d never let me love you-

that you were afraid of love:

being loved and

falling in love.

That didn’t miraculously change with her,

did it?

Could anyone heal your heart so well as I was?

Sometimes I wonder if you

still love me,

and are just too afraid to admit it.

Goodbyes

We exchanged our fears,

many ‘I love you’s

and then our goodbyes.

But I never wanted to say goodbye.

Temporary Highs and Pretty Lies

You’ve always chased

temporary highs,

which explains why you left

after telling me elaborate,

beautiful lies.

(You knew what I wanted to hear,

didn’t you?)

As soon as it got real, you left.

But I don’t know, you seem pretty serious with her.

Talents

You gave me heartbreak

and this is all I can gain from it.

I’m sorry my talent is not what

you wanted it to be;

I don’t have much skill

in saying goodbyes.

My ability to let go has always been

compromised.

(But if you’re reading this,

maybe you haven’t moved on, either).

Garden of ‘I love you’s

All of our ‘I love you’s

were beautiful, blooming

flowers in a garden

… a garden with no water.

Eventually they all died.

Love needs to be watered, too.

It takes effort to grow a flourishing garden of ‘I love you’s.

Average Love

You left my love for hers,

I guess that says something.

You weren’t even just willing to

stay.

She must really be a whole lot better than she seems.

(or a whole lot worse).

But why leave for the same amount of love?

So maybe my love is less extraordinary and

much more average than I thought.

Stolen Happiness

Your new lover took my happiness

away,

for the sake of her own.

(Did I really deserve that)?

I miss you.

Syllables

I’ve repeated your name

so many times

that I’m not even sure it’s really a word.

It’s just syllables with a dreamy tone.

Only the most beautiful syllables.

Etsy Wedding

It was silly of me to have

planned our wedding,

when I knew you were already gone.

I can’t help it,

but I’m in love with you.

(How do bubbles sound for guest favors?

Intentional Love

Tell me,

is she as intentional about loving you

as I was? *

I can’t imagine anyone could ever love you more than I do.

And it only seems so unfair

that I don’t get to love the one

whom I truly love.

*(P.S. I still am.)

I Wish…

I guess you liked the thought of love,

but in the end,

it was too much for you.

…

I still can’t help but hope

that you wish she were me, though.

First Thing

Your name is still the first thing

my heart says

when I wake up with the sun.

It is bitter,

yet almost sweet,

full of remorse, memory,

and much pondering.

– June 2020

On the Run

Your happy

will always be temporary,

won’t it?

You will never find full satisfaction

or joy.

You chase temporary emotion.

You will never fight for what is real,

will you?

But, I suppose that is what happens

when you have a life

you always must be on the run from.

Your legs are eventually stuck walking-

and walking away.

I do not blame you for it,

though I wish

I could hold your heart

and love you back to health.

Forbidden Love

Theirs was a forbidden love,

yet sometimes he wanted to kiss her.

In their eyes their love would live.

And in the quiet mornings

and sunny, orange-tinted afternoons.

In the silent of night

and in the joy of laughter and wedding bells,

there

their love will stand.

He will never stop loving her

and will never look

at another woman with the same shine in his eyes.

They look at each other and

their love is in their stare.

But no, it shall not be.

It shall never be.

So, their love will live in whispers

and in the wind.

The greatest unspoken love.

And yet, every now and then,

he looks at her

and just wants to kiss her.

Sometimes.

But no,

forbidden is their love.

– January 2019

Lost Dreams

My dream is lost day by day,

into the fog, it fades away.

You seem more like a shadow,

and all the hopes I had with you

are faceless and uncertain,

slipping behind a curtain.

I cannot find you,

my love is not here,

rather, instead there stands a stranger

with your same likeness and appearance.

I miss my love.

But I suppose it was never they,

but you, oh you dreamy hope-

a façade of what I loved and held so dear-

never were they real,

just a good charade.

So, if not they,

then who will fill the now empty face

in my dreams?

Who will be my Sunday afternoon love?

Who will love me naturally?

Whose pieces will fit with mine?

Whose glass will make a mosaic with me

in our garden of

joined life and blessings,

sorrows, storms, and battles?

Whose face will fill the empty hole where

his once was?

All that empty space.

Will anyone look as good in a

blue plaid button-up?

Or will my dreams be entirely different?

These ones scrapped and whole new ones hoped for?

I suppose I’ll never know until I’m there.

Oh what a journey of lost and gained

and changed dreams.

So is life, I suppose.

Cigarettes (excerpt)

Our love burnt out,

like the cigarette in your ash tray.

You smoked on me

like I was sweet love,

before snuffing our future out.

You roll your joints of marijuana,

while drops of sadness

roll down my face.

I thought you loved me, once.

There was a time I believed you,

when you had our cigarette love

perched between your lips.

But it was always meant

to burn out.

There was a limit

on the high it gave you.

Once the interest wore out,

you took me from your lips

and tossed me away,

stepping on me

on your way to your next

burning love.

Goodbye, I guess.

You’ve left me with ashes

that I’ll gather

to remember our short chapter

together.

These black and white

specks of dust

are supposed to piece our time

together-

though they are vague and old,

seemingly distant.

They are barely a semblance of us.

Is this what we were?

All I was to you?

Were we real?

Why did you leave me so?

My questions will not be answered.

I sit in your ashtray

while I watch you smoke

your current high.

You say this one makes you happy,

but, have you already forgotten?

You told me I made you happy,

not long ago.

Did you forget our good times?

Our dreams together?

Eventually,

you hate seeing the incompleteness

of us,

so, you throw me, us, away

in a garbage can.

Once we were, now we’re not,

and there we’ll stay.

My chapter in your life over,

burnt out.

A cloud of smoke hangs

low in your car,

our memories, which you ignore-

or maybe just don’t remember,

or have chosen to forget.

I thought you loved the smell

of cigarette smoke.

But I wasn’t enough for you,

I suppose.

A high can only last so long.

I see you one moment

and you’re gone the next.

You came so fast

and left so quick,

your laughing, smiling,

beautiful face

paused in time

in my memory.

I never knew that

that would be

our last.

I never knew I’d never see

your face again,

after that day.

I watch you,

your back turned to me from afar.

I see the smoke

of your next hot muse waft

from your lips.

Your sweet, yet sour, bitter lips,

coated like honey,

dripping with beautiful lies.

The smoke curls

with the seeming intent to linger,

but it will always drift away

and be no more.

Don’t you know,

oh, past lover of mine,

that no matter what cigarette

you smoke,

they’ll always run short on high

and out of time?

You can’t throw a muse away

when that pique

of steamy new interest

catches your heart and eye.

But oh,

oh, lover,

I’m sure none would say ‘no’

to you.

No, none would say ‘no’

to such the likes of you,

so, I suppose you have unending options.

You came like a bright, gorgeous,

gallant, strong star

out of the sky.

Your black shirt,

buttoned up to your neck.

The temperature rises.

Your grey eyes glinting blue

in the afternoon sun.

I begin to melt.

Your black boots and that belt,

your steel, black watch

arming your wrist,

I drool.

A grey cap sits

atop your glowing auburn locks,

revealing only the few stray wisps

around your gorgeous face,

perfectly framed.

I faint.

You are a drug, my love.

A drug I took too eagerly,

became addicted to,

and easily overdosed on.

Ex-High

I ride passenger side

In your 1998 Honda Civic.

Summer vibes crack over the

updated radio,

the stereo’s rims changing color

with every beat.

The sun begins to paint the sky sherbet,

as it sinks below the small

country road.

The smoke hanging low

shines golden grey.

Your hair is more halo in this light,

your appearance feigns an angel.

You puff on the joint

hanging loosely

between your fingers.

Sneaker on the dash,

your face lightens with a laugh.

You turn up the radio

and scream out the lyrics,

dancing, while smoke curls upwards

toward the open sunroof,

from the brown half-roll

resting between your fore-

and-middle fingers.

Your stormy grey eyes catch the light

and reflect almost blue.

You inhale the last of the joint

and snuff it out in the ashtray

right next to me,

your ex-high,

still warm from the fire

you’d kindled in me.

And that was goodbye.

– May 20, 2020

The One Whom My Heart Loves

Life is a nightmare

without you.

I cannot sleep,

I cannot wake,

I cannot even eat.

I’m scared of a life

empty of your presence;

I don’t want to be without you.

I miss when you were familiar,

I miss when I was yours;

when you were mine.

But now I can’t find you anywhere.

I want you to want me again

(like you did so long ago).

I find myself just wishing

that I could talk to you

again.

To just say ‘hi’,

or tell you what’s been going on,

or call you when I can’t sleep.

I don’t want anything but you.

There is nothing I want more than

I want you.

I don’t need anything else

in the whole world,

if I just have you.

You are more than enough for me,

a lot more than just ‘enough’,

you are everything to me.

I don’t want you to be gone from

my life.

You are what my heart wants,

you are whom my heart loves.

I live for you

and I would die for you.

I would do anything for you.

My heart is dying without you.

I couldn’t get enough of you,

not even in a whole forever.

Tell me we will love each other

for a thousand forevers.

Where are you?

Where did you go?

I miss you.

(But I know I deserve this) 🤕😞

– May 2020

Cup of My Love (excerpt)

Tell me one thing,

do you love her just to wait for me?

Are you loving her because I could not be there?

Is she really your ‘one’?

Your forever?

Because my heart says otherwise;

my soul cries, “no!” to the union

of your hearts.

I will forever speak so that I never must hold my peace.

For, you, I love.

Who else could ever love you so?

Was our love not beautiful?

As beautiful as dusk

returning at sunset

over the mountaintops?

Was it not as beautiful

as golden hour on the road;

the open road, no other car in sight,

country playing on the radio

along with the melody of

your laugh?

Or as beautiful as the quiet,

patient, starry night;

the soundtrack, only the beat of

two lovers’ hearts?

Was not our love even deeper and more beautiful

than those kinds of wonder?

Or was our love a lie

that I sang to myself as I slept

so that I may rest in peace?

What was our love to you,

that you would turn and mock it so?

I saw those quiet, truthful moments-

you loved me.

I know you did,

I know you do.

This new someone might

be good to you,

yet, so was I good to you.

I just wasn’t close-by.

For now, you needed close by.

But what if one day

I weren’t so far away?

Would you love me again as you once did?

For good, this time?

Or are you still afraid to drink

of the deep cup of my love?

Remember the nights you drank of that cup;

you drank of it and became drunken.

Forget not those quiet, beautiful moments of complete, truthful, entire, and faithful love.

Do not play with my love.

It cannot, does not, fluctuate.

Do not love me one day

and expect me to be okay with

your absence, the next.

You told me what I trusted to be truth.

(What I chose to believe was truth).

Do not betray me.

Convincing Me

Why did you, the one who loved me

(and said you did-

even convincing me),

love me just to then deem me

unlovable?

Why would you prove to me

that I was worth anything to you

and claim to love me so wholly,

when you’d leave so fast,

so easy, so quick like that?

What was so insufficient about me?

Why was it that you gave up

on me?

What about me was so unlovable-

even detestable-

that you’d leave with such gusto?

I don’t understand why you’d

call me yours,

why you could convince me of such

everlasting and monogamous love

and then,

with the same mouth

you promised me those

promises of love,

you could kiss someone else and break the bond

you’d sewed in us.

The bond you’d tied between us;

you severed it

for someone you regarded ‘better’

than me.

How is it that the one thing I chose to not trust in my gut,

was the one thing that was right?

The only thing that was true?

‘She’ll leave too. Someone else will be more desirable than you.’

I did not need heartbreak to prove to me that there are better people out there.

but I’d hoped someone could believe in me.

Tell me,

how am I supposed to believe any

love

without trusting it?

I chose to trust you,

which was no easy task;

yet, I did.

I took a gamble on our love,

a gamble on the offer

from your heart.

Tell me,

how did my love fail you?

Did it fail you even once?

I am human, my love,

I cannot be perfect;

I’ve made mistakes, but

tell me:

did I fail you, even once?

Did I ever leave you needing or in want?

Did I ever seek out another’s love?

Did I ever give up on you

or sever my promises to you,

or break what we had?

Did I ever deny you the love you sought?

Or neglect you?

I made no sacrifice of you, my love-

rather, for you

(I never even made a fool of you);

I made a sacrifice of myself

to the alter of your heart.

I respected you

even past the day you betrayed me.

Even still, I hope for you.

Even still, I haven’t blocked the beacon of light which I stand here holding for you.

I am here.

Even still,

I have not tainted my lips

with any other’s love.

And even still,

my heart has not opened

to another’s embrace,

nor my body to another’s eyes.

I have kept myself sanctified to you-

pure to the rock which I

sliced my own heart on, for you.

You marked me as yours and here I am.

Remember how I gave of myself

to you.

Remember how you partook

of the good love I offered and

which I gave freely.

Remember it,

and do not disregard me-

though I know, even now,

you have, I’m sure.

Tell me,

my perfect love,

where did I fall short?

Where did my love become tainted

and impure?

Point it out!

I’ll give you a time chart and

a red pen;

mark it up with my faults-

an extensive list of my wrongdoings.

Don’t leave even one thing out,

lest I be under-punished.

Pour out on me the wrath I deserve,

pour it out like oil on my head.

If you find any fault in me

(test my heart entirely),

then let out your anger.

Let your anger be honest and just.

Do not hold back a lash for my sake,

do not withhold a just rebuke.

Find in me the dark wells

which others have falsely spoken of,

and accused of me in your supposed

defense.

They create lies out of false honor.

You will find me faultless;

rather, it is they, who have lied to you, who deserve your wrath and

neglect.

With their lips they took you to themselves and robbed me of you.

Do not leave my heart to be

food for the crows.

Do not let me be the feast of the jackals and vultures.

Do not desert me, my love!

I have not deserved your scorn,

nor the

scourge you’ve let others

beat me with.

Take back the unjust words and

judgement!

Repeal the sentence I do not owe.

Come back into my arms;

let me love you again,

as I once did.

Even better, my love will be:

two-fold, and

grow it will to ten-fold,

hundred-fold, more!

I am not perfect,

nor could I ever be spotless,

and I will never (can never)

claim to deserve you;

yet, I have not earned this way

which you’ve left me.

Tell me, honestly and truthfully,

from your own mouth-

in all purity; speak with all disclosures made:

Tell me how I deserve what you’ve dealt me.

Tell me, and I

will retreat my plea and argument

in respect.

I will accept what I owe-

the justice which is due you-

I will pester you no longer

when it’s proven that

my heart deserves the pestle.

My Love is Yours

I sit here,

your name scrawled on all my love,

yet I have nothing to do with it;

nowhere to put it.

I’m not allowed to want you.

I’m not allowed to love you.

My love is only for you,

so I guess it’s going nowhere.

This dam will be held back

till I breathe my last breath.

But,

let it be written on my grave:

“I forever loved the one whom my heart belonged to-

her and no one else”.

My love will rest eternally with me,

and there it will forever lay.

On that day it is released,

you’ll feel a giddy pump of your heart,

that is all my love filling you,

when it finally has the freedom to.

Fininity*

Favorite Dream

It’s hard to move on

from a life you lost,

one you never had,

but dreamed of.

Your favorite one

with all kinds of orange and yellow

sunshine happiness.

Memories, bright and beautiful,

engrained beneath your eyelids,

guiding all the rest of your life;

your building blocks

to something

somehow even more beautiful.

– November 2019

Plenty of Both

There’s plenty to regret in the past,

But there’s also plenty to mend

And make better

In the future.

– December 2019

(Have hope. We are human and change comes with time. You will get better, my dear. Mistakes are allowed in this struggle of being human.)

Quietest Solace

In the quietest of moments,

when it is only the soul

which speaks,

there, we find solace, wisdom,

and true connection.

– February 2020

Good Heart

A good heart is sometimes

such a burden.

But,

I think it is a burden that

I wouldn’t trade for anything.

So, let the tears fall,

they’ll collect themselves

later,

while drying up another’s.

For that is what the good heart

seeks to do.

– February 2020, 9:00pm

Alone

I always awake in a bed of tears.

I’ve slept the worst that I have

in years.

Beneath my eyes, are pillars of salt,

gracing my cheeks with

bitter crystal gall.

Only the moon sees the sorrow

I carry.

Only to the moon,

have I told my deepest worry.

My eyes are red when I

turn my face up to the stars.

My dreams lay in puddles

at my feet.

On my knees, I’m solemnly embraced by the night.

Under the quiet twinkle of starlight,

my heavy head rests in my

feeble arms.

With none else to hold me,

I am alone.

Wake and Whisper

I sit in the wake

of times gone by,

the whisper of moments

which once were surprise.

And I call to the dawn

on whose wings time’s flown,

and to the dawn of tomorrow

which will bring it once more.

Once ‘as spoken, now a whisper,

naught is now, what’s once before.

All is gone that was then

and now I stand in front of time.

We leave a wake.

A wake, a ripple, a quiet sea water.

Yes, though once it was there,

and so were we,

now it all is not.

No more the wake sparkles on the quiet sea waters

and it remembers us no more.

Our laughs shared

and stories told

lie only in those days of old.

Looking back, I see

a different time,

a simpler one.

And now that it’s a whisper,

I look ahead

to the new past,

the not yet past,

and dream of new wakes,

not yet come,

but which will also fade

and be, one day, only a memory,

a distant ringing in the air

and the heavens.

The future past will soon

only be

a wake and a whisper, too.

– November 2019, 1:44pm

Marathon to Nowhere (excerpt)

It’s always going to be a circle,

Isn’t it?

Between pain and doubt,

feeling worthless and then hopeful,

numb and then feeling again?

Regret and then acceptance,

and back again the next day?

Understanding and trying to keep faith and believe that this isn’t

the end

and there’s better, right?

It’s always going to be crying nights

and silent mornings,

despaired afternoons

and agonizing midnights.

Waking up without a sense of

meaning or purpose,

feeling useless and stupid

to the core.

It’s always going to be a

marathon that leads nowhere.

My mind is running from itself,

and so is my heart;

it runs from me.

It busies itself with regret

and self judgement,

building high walls and saying,

“Never again!”

It will always be me,

not sure how I’ll feel tomorrow.

And of course, the poem by which ‘The Universe Inside Her’ series was officially born:

Garden of Glass

She is a growing flower garden

With a little broken glass.

And that just makes her even more

Beautiful,

That just makes her shine more.

– The Universe Inside Her, a series of poems,

December 27, 2019

– O. W. S. Poetry

*Fininity: The condition or state of being finite and limited.

These pieces were taken with express knowledge by and permission of the author. All copyright belongs to:

©OtherWorld Soul Poetry, 2020

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