Spirit Letters

She came to me in the silent of night.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“I love you” she said. But the voice faded and faded until I could no longer hear it.

“Where did you go?” I asked.

When no answer came, I answered myself, “Forget it,” I thought.

Momentarily, then, she came back. She teased me with communication and presence.

I reached out, “There you are!”

Then, poof, she disappeared once again.

“What a cruel joke!” I cried. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I asked profusely,

“Where have you gone? How long must I wait? Where are you?”

But no answer came.

At first, I heard the voice, but it became quieter and quieter, more and more sparce.

“Soon.” The voice would say,

but then I’d ask, “How long is soon? I’ve been waiting close to two years! Has my imperfection ruined this? And then, what is this love?” I sit on my bed, head in hands. That must be what it is. I’ve messed it all up, being human as I am.

I think she got tired of encouraging me, and maybe too caught up in whatever world was physical around her.

Her spirit visited less and less until the silence rang in my ears.

“Must I wait, or must I move on?” this rattled around in my head.

“A lover wouldn’t torture me so, nor give me up for another. So love it mustn’t be, and nonchalance it must be.”

But still, I would walk up to that door of air and knock. I’d whisper “I love you” and “I miss you” and pitifully wait. When no response came, I slumped against the wall of air.

Here I am despaired.

“Hello!” She tapped me on my shoulder one day, catching me off guard.

I turned around and smiled, she nodded and handed me a message.

“It is for you!” She said.

I opened the small envelope and unfolded the delicate paper inside. I looked up at her to be sure she was still there. She was indeed and joy fluttered in my heart. She didn’t leave this note at my doorstep and flee, she’s tarried to sit with me as I read it.

“I think of you.” The letter read, “I think of you, but I care for someone else. You still move me, but I will not disappoint my new lover.”

I frowned. “Is this it?” I asked her spirit, hovered around me. “Is this the message? Do I take it as ‘let go’?”

But her soul disappeared into air again, leaving me to interpret this, myself.

“Why all the teasing?” My heart was hurting.

I love someone else, now. There it came. I love someone else now, finally, I do. Finally someone occupies my thoughts as heavily as you. And now I can let you go, I can remove from you my spirit and give it to someone else who is here and who I can feel and who I live with and share love.

I sat alone, now slouched. The letter still lay in my hands. I sat for quite a while, saying nothing, doing nothing. “How could it all be over?” I thought. “After all this time, it just is finished? Done? Why? My God, why? After all this time and all this waiting, and all I get is a final goodbye? Or is this temporary, too? Is it fear all over again?”

“Love scares me.” She told me as she talked of her new lover, “I think that is why I hesitate with her.”

I wondered why this person was worth recognizing that, but clearly I hadn’t been. Not near important enough, not nearly loved enough to have been worth recognizing all it was is fear. I wasn’t worth the effort despite it, even more. But this person seemed to be. They seemed to be worth the realization and the effort despite it, and I wasn’t worth any of it, not even a fight.

“My one true lover never loved me, is that so?”

All that rang in the emptiness was “I think of you… I think of you… I think of you.” where it used to be, “I miss you… hang on… I love you.” I think of you… I think of you… I think of you.

But being on her mind does not equate to being loved by her, nor given effort. And here I stand, alone. Betrayed by my lover who loves someone else and has withdrawn from me.

“Is it because I said I couldn’t wait much longer? That I was lonely and needed to be come for?” No sure answer came.

All this emptiness rang in my head.

“…Hang on… Wait a little longer.”

“That, I can do. I’ll wait however long.” Even if this love is only ever waiting and hanging, which seems a great possibility.

I sigh. “This is all it may ever be.”

You’re on my mind… you’re on my mind… you’re on my mind.

Just waiting and watching her love everyone but me.