An excerpt from “Eden,” Kanda Land by Loveless. V’s ponderings.
…
But E was gone. E was not here at this stream dreaming of a future with her. She did not look upon her with softness of eye (ever since a few weeks ago). She was curt and harsh and seemed only to yearn for V to go away; to be out of her life and leave her alone. Why is this what she craves?
Why is V only craved in a way that shuts her out of lives? Why can she not be pulled in? Why can she not be desired? The only thing that ever seems to be desired from V is her absence. She didn’t understand. It was something she never ever understood. How could all these people be so wanted and fought for and worth it and meaningful and loved and chosen and desirable and likeable, and she just… eternally… isn’t. Eternally cursed with some kind of curse that she can’t do anything to undo. She’s stuck being the scum of the earth that no one wants to have anything to do with… even to E now.
And why E, of all people? The one who finally loved her back? The only one who ever, at the least, treated her like a person but then also made her feel so desired and wanted and craved. The only one who’d ever dreamed of a life with her and wanted her in their life. … Why E?
V didn’t know. It didn’t make sense. E was the one who she finally felt security with…why is security always someone else’s to have? The comfort of assurance that they’ll never leave and you’ll never have to be getting over this person. That was the assurance she had with E, and now look.
E was the one who would (and was going to) marry her. She was the one who promised to love and take care of her forever. And now she wasn’t here. She wasn’t around as V had so trusted that she would be. She was run off with other women. …Just as V’s fears had taunted her; and just as she had expressly believed never would happen again in her life because of E.
Yet now, she wanted V out of her life so far and so gone that she never would even have to read a text message from her ever again, whereas, once upon a time, she was craving for those text messages and calls to be so much more. “I just need you here.” She had told V countless times. And V made it happen. She would drive the long hours out to see E. And it was worth it. So worth it. And V would do it again in a heartbeat. It was the most joyful thing to do, V felt, because it was for her lover.
…But E already isn’t the loyal lover she’d chalked herself up to be. She already has broken the security that V finally trusted, even though she gives it—hands it, even—so easily to anyone else. She already hadn’t been reliable or sturdy, nor has loved or cared for V all these years. Even all these years.
Years and years. V thought. Years and years and years. She frowned again in her heart.
…
Can anyone else relate or are you normal and likeable? 😫😭
Thanks for reading,
–A.M.M.
Popp!nTalk 