Couldn’t help sharing this bit with y’all.
This is “A God Love,” pages 274-277 of my book, Kanda Land:
“I don’t feel like he loves me. I feel like I’m such a big disappointment.”
“Have you ever been hurt by someone you love? Or done something you had to forgive them for?”
“Yeah. Plenty of times.”
“And you still loved them? Still wanted the best for them? Still ached for them?”
“That’s how God feels about you.”
Tears pricked at the backs of E’s eyes. But they were met with her steel barrier and so they dissipated. But, in her heart, she realized it was indeed powerful. She couldn’t imagine anyone loving her the way that she loves: persistently and unconditionally. His love for her was greater than she could understand. Greater than even her greatest love for her most loved lover. She wasn’t perfect, but even she could love so much. How much more could God love? When he is so beyond everything?
She asked as she stared up at the stars, “He loves me like that?”
“Yes, E. He loves you like that.”
E’s mind darted to V. For a quick second. Only a flash of a moment. V loved me like that, too.
“What is love, though?” E asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know what real love is like. I try to have real love, but I was never given it growing up. I don’t know how to accept it because I never really learned it. I’m afraid I’ll be horrible at it. I don’t love good all the time.” These were the kinds of questions she always asked V. And V would always answer patiently and thoroughly. She craved that kind of attentiveness right now, and hoped it from Bre; inviting her to be that place of help.
“Well, it’s something that isn’t dwindled or affected by circumstance or situation. It’s something that’s always there—you know it’s always there. Kind of like, if you could tangibly feel someone’s love from hundreds of miles away, without even having to feel their touch. That soul kind of love. Love is like that. It’s never-ending. It’s definite and infinite. It’s something you can count on time and time again. Something that sees you in your mess and still loves you.”
V stood in E’s mind as she heard the words; like Bre was reading a book about V when she said those things. V’s love was always there. Even if they weren’t anywhere near each other, E always felt comforted by the steady presence of the assurance of V’s love. It didn’t even need reminded, because it simply was always there when E went back to it. Even when she faced away from it, she could feel its ever-steady presence.
Every corner of her that V had seen, she loved. The darkest, dirtiest corner, and she looked at it with the same affection as the brightest star in her. She wasn’t sure how that was possible. Before V, she always thought the best love you could get in this world was someone who’d be willing to somehow overlook and ignore all your messed up shit inside. But V… V destroyed that: she came in and looked at every bit of E’s mess and then said, “I love you for every way that you are.” She didn’t understand that love. E imagined that, if God really was out there; and she believed he was; and if he was really good, he would love a whole lot like V, if he loved well.
Bre spoke again, out of the quiet, “I like that he gave us his emotions. All the things he can feel, we can feel. It helps us relate to him and understand his love for us. I’ve always liked that. And it was something that took me a while to understand and piece together that that was why. He made us like him, so we could better feel the magnitude of his emotions toward us.”
As much as E felt magnanimously and unbelievably loved in this moment, she still didn’t understand how a God who loved her so much would have let her go through all the things she’s been through. She’d never have let all this happen to someone she loved. She would have protected them. She has always protected them; and she’s just a mere human being. Why and how could a big and powerful and capable God let the ones he love suffer? It didn’t make sense.
But she didn’t think Bre would have an answer to any of these things, so she didn’t ask it. She didn’t wonder any of these things out loud. She just let Bre have her God who loves her.
Can you imagine a love like that?
He loves you that way 💙☺
Thanks for reading,