Hey guys!
I added more to the Junebugs story. I hope you enjoy it!
Junebugs
Kiera and Violet sat against the brick house, in the scant yellow lighting. Kiera took a drag of her joint. “You’re different.” Violet said, breaking the silence of the cool night air.
Kiera looks over at her. “What do you mean?”
“Well, it’s been years since we last saw each other. There’s just…. Idk, a new… quietness, maybe softness about you.”
“Softness?”
“Well, like you’re not as… idk.”
Kiera looked away and took another drag.
“Not in any bad way; I miss it.”
“You miss what?”
“That we kind of used to be kids together.”
Kiera softly smiled. “I never got to be a kid growing up. And it’s hard to stay a kid when you have to take care of yourself.”
“I’m sorry.” Violet said, looking at her.
Kiera shook her head. “It’s fine.”
“I know it’s not.”
Kiera smiled. Violet was always so perceptive. “It is what it is, I guess.”
Violet wanted to hear all of Kiera’s stories from the past couple years. She wished she’d gotten to be a part of her life all this time. But she didn’t know what to ask.
Kiera was quiet for a while. “My dad died.” She said numbly after a few minutes, ashing her cane and begging the tears to stay inside.
Violet looked at her. “That is an immense pain. I’m sorry you have to carry that.”
“Thank you. It is.”
They were both quiet for a short moment before Violet said, “I always wish I’d met your dad. It kind of makes me mad that I won’t get to.”
Kiera looked at her, “You wanted to meet my dad?”
“Of course. He’s a big part of you. A very unique part of your life. I know that can’t be replaced and it’s important.”
Kiera nodded. “He was.”
“How long ago?”
“Like… two years ago.” Kiera ashed her cane again and took another drag, “I’m sure you remember I was with Clarissa back then. I was so afraid that she wouldn’t want to go through my dad’s death with me; that she would leave. And she didn’t. And that relieved me at that time, because I was so afraid of abandonment, that it encouraged me just to have someone stay. …But I rarely ever stopped to wonder if that was a good thing.” She looked at the pavement and swallowed. “Eventually I realized it just wasn’t. She stayed, but she wasn’t good to me. And that’s when I learned that not all bad people leave. Not all bad people cheat. Some people stay and don’t cheat and they’re still bad. …Someone staying doesn’t mean they’re good.”
Violet watched her as she continued.
“I was so afraid of dragging anyone through all my shit… that I just ended up pushing all the good people away. And I felt really alone. I felt really alone for a time. And finally, even though I was really scared to do it, and entirely unsure what would happen, I finally filed for divorce because I was sure it was what I needed to do. It was so messy and it took me so long to get to that point because we were married… I had never been divorced before. That was a big and scary thing to me. And to feel like I was being unloyal… that was a beast to try to feel okay about.” She swallowed. “But it needed to be done and I’m glad I did it when I did. I do still feel guilty sometimes, because she was there for me when my dad died… her dad had died when she was little, so we kind of shared in that grief. She grieved differently than I did, but she tried to be gentle toward me and for especially that immediate time after my dad died I felt very supported by her. And that’s another reason it took me so long to realize it wasn’t a good situation. I wasn’t sure what to think or believe. When she was good to me, I felt like she was good; but then she wasn’t. …Just because she was there for me and understanding and sympathetic in my grief didn’t mean she was good to me otherwise. And she wasn’t. It was only the times—most of the times—that I brought up my dad or that my grief got worse that she was kind to me and gentle with me. …Sometimes that confuses me. Why was she gentle with me about my dad’s death, …but she didn’t love or value me as a person?” She glanced at Violet who gently frowned.
“Death is a big thing.” Violet started, unsure of a clear answer herself, “Maybe…” She tried to think of something true, but nothing certain came to her, so she just gently frowned again.
Kiera hung her head between her knees and took a drag of her joint again.
“What I do know,” Violet began, “is that you are valuable and worthy of care and gentleness and love in consistent measure. I know that for certain.”
Kiera smiled and looked at her again. Her grey eyes swam with a curious wonder and gentleness. Almost an awe at Violet; at her kindness and gentleness that was unlike what she’d been met with by anyone else in her life.
She studied Violet silently for a moment. And then she looked away when she spoke, “You know, I wished you were there.” She put her cane to her lips again and briefly let it go from her fingers to take a quick hit.
“When your dad died?”
She nodded her head, “Mhmm.”
“I would have been.”
“I know.” She tapped the ashes from her cane. “I know you would have been.”
For a second, Violet wondered silently, but then she asked, “Why didn’t you? Reach out to me, I mean; ask me to be there.”
Kiera looked up at her and met her eyes. Stars danced in them and she smiled. “I don’t know that I’d be able to tell you.” And she smiled again.
“Like it’s too hard to tell or that you aren’t sure you want to?”
“Both.” Kiera shook her head and smiled. “No, I really wouldn’t mind telling you but it’s hard to explain. We’d be here all night.”
“I don’t have anywhere else to be. I’m all ears.”
Kiera smiled at her again. “You want to know, don’t you?”
“I do. If you wouldn’t mind sharing it.”
She shook her head. “I don’t.” She smiled. “A long time ago… I know I let you go. I know I walked away from you and that was my bad. It was entirely my fault. I hope you know it really truly had nothing to do with you doing anything to make me want to walk away. …It was that I couldn’t decipher anything that I was feeling. It was that I didn’t understand the relationship you had with me: gentle and kind and patient… you wanted me, and not for sex. You were loyal. You were everything good that I always thought that I could never have. When I dreamed about it, I never realized how difficult it would actually be to accept a love like that.
“I didn’t know how to explain it. I didn’t know how to even talk about it or ask about it. And that made me feel powerless. It made me feel like I’d fallen off of the empire I thought I built. I couldn’t predict you. I couldn’t put you in a box in my mind. I couldn’t sort you with everyone else. I couldn’t even sort you the same way I sorted everyone else. So I didn’t even know how to process someone like you. I didn’t know where to put you in my mind. I didn’t know how to act around you. I didn’t know how to understand you. Loving you was foreign to me, and being loved by you was foreign to me.”
She glanced at Violet and then at the Junebugs swarming in and out of the glow of the streetlamp. “It made me feel out of control. I couldn’t grasp it—any of it—not even my place in it.” She looked at Violet again and then took a short hit. “Besides,” she blew out a cloud of smoke and gently furrowed her brow, “Clarissa never would have been okay with me talking to you, anyway. And after the way I treated you while I was with her,” she shook her head, “I was sure you wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me.”
“I would have.”
“Why? Like I mean it, why? I was awful to you. You shouldn’t want to have been there for me.”
“I didn’t stop caring about you just because you were trying to protect your relationship. I knew you were afraid of being left. I knew that made you push anyone away that could make your partner concerned; you were being good to your partner. And you were protecting yourself from the fear you always faced. The same fear that made you confused about someone who would treat you good—who you didn’t have to worry about those same fears with.”
“I did worry about it. I worried about losing you all the time. I just didn’t know how to defend my connection with you, because you weren’t worried.”
“I was worried.” Violet said, “I was terrified of losing you. You really were an incredible person to me. When I found you, I found rare gold. It felt too good to be true all the time… I just wanted to foster freedom and comfort in our relationship, so I chose to trust you despite my fears.”
Kiera watched her, trying to figure her out. “See, I don’t understand that.” And then she asked, “I was too good to be true?”
“You were.” Violet gently met her eyes. “To me, you’ve always been a wonderful soul.”
“I’m not, though.” And Keira looked away and took a drag.
“You are.” And stars swam in Violet’s eyes that Kiera couldn’t understand. She couldn’t read the precious beloved story written in them about her. She didn’t understand where Violet could have gotten it from that she was wonderful or good at all; especially after how cold she’d been to her those years ago. She studied her eyes; she tried to sift through them and find the answers, but all that swam there was an unfathomable depth of admiration and unconditional love for her. Nothing but warmth and love and certainty.
“How?” Kiera’s eyes were slightly squinted as she studied Violet’s face and tried to figure it out. “How do you have that much… warmth inside you?”
“Because it didn’t come from a person.”
Kiera slightly tilted her head. “What do you mean? Did an alien give it to you?” And she chuckled.
Violet smiled and then said so surely, “God did.”
“I don’t believe in God.” Kiera took a long drag on her joint. “I mean, I’ve always believed he exists, but…” She shook her head, “I don’t feel like he’s good. Or at least he doesn’t love me; He’d want nothing to do with me. Clarissa was a christian and so was my mom and my dad and none of them were good to me.”
“God isn’t the people who label themselves with his name. You can’t always trust the messenger, you know. You ought to get to know the sender of it; the creator of it.”
Kiera looked at Violet again, with the same inquisitive search riddled in her eyes, and a gentle smile confusedly lain across her cheeks. “You never cease to amaze me.” She said it before she realized she was saying it. “I’m sorry, that probably came out rude.” And she put her joint to her lips.
“It wasn’t rude. You expressed pleasant surprise. You were posed with an uncommon and unpopular position. A lot of people view God badly because of the people who carry around his name as part of their title. A lot of people call themselves Christians because they want to feel good about themselves or look good to other people, or simply because they believe he exists even if they’ve never gotten to know him or even care to.”
“That sounds like me.”
“Well, you’re not hopeless.” Violet smiled at her. “It’s a start that you believe in him. You’re not far away at all, truly.”
Kiera shook her head. “I’m far from Christian. And I know it. I know I’m not somebody God would approve of.”
“That’s what grace and forgiveness and love is for. None of us are someone that could deserve God’s approval. That’s why he gave us a redeemer. Exactly why.”
“I know. He came for the sinners like me.”
“He came for the sinners like me and you; like all of us. You aren’t singled out or segregated. He doesn’t look down on you, Kiera.” Violet said gently, “You know, he made you and liked you when he made you. You didn’t just… accidentally get born one day and God realized you were there and hated you. He has never hated you. He made you on purpose because he thought you up and loved you. He loves you, Kiera.”
“I don’t feel like he loves me.”
Violet nodded. “You’ve been treated awfully and bad things have happened consistently in your life since as long as you can remember.”
“Yes. So how could anyone say he loves me? And don’t give me that ‘he gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers’ bullshit.”
Violet chuckled. “I would never. What I will say, though, is this. If he didn’t love you, why would he be preparing a safe and warm and loving and beautiful place full of joy and comfort for you to come and live with him in, when he finally takes you home away from this world? Why would he want for you to be with him in paradise if he hated you?” She kindly held Kiera’s gaze and continued, “I don’t know why some people suffer more than other people in this world. It’s a mystery that I don’t understand, and it’s an awful one. And you don’t deserve it. It’s not like you deserved misery and I didn’t; nor that you deserved it more than anyone else; nor that your needs aren’t worthy of care and love. I don’t know why the dice rolled differently for us. I really don’t. But I know that he’s storing up the same things for both me and you because he doesn’t discriminate between us. He loves us both equally and it angers him when evil things are done to the ones he loves. His plan to avenge us is just mysterious to us. He’s waiting till the end, maybe; to unleash it in his rapture. He cares, Kiera.”
“I don’t know that I’m going to heaven.”
“But you can, Kiera. You can. It isn’t too late. You’re never too far gone. His sacrifice is worthy of canceling out anything you’ve ever done. It’s an act of praise toward him to accept his forgiveness, because it’s an acknowledgement that you make—you call him worthy and good enough and perfect and all-encompassing when you acknowledge and believe that his sacrifice can cover even your sins. And trust me; I’ve had plenty of times in my life when I was tempted to think that I could certainly not be forgiven, but the thing about grace is that it’s never deserved. And the thing about Christ’s sacrifice is that He certainly was worthy by sacrifice to remove sin. I had to learn that, too. Redemption is greater with the higher raise from a farther fall. It’s not about deserving it or being worthy of forgiveness. It’s not about you earning it or working for it. It’s about him being worthy. And he is. And him loving us so much that he was willing to. And he was. And that’s good news for all of us. Because I need him, too. I need his worthiness, too. We all fall short. And we’re all relying on his worthiness when we turn to him and believe he can actually clean us entirely to get us into heaven.”
Kiera watched her and the words were like an incredible balm to her festering wounds. But she was afraid of it; what if it wasn’t true? What if it doesn’t apply to me? She was afraid to let herself feel relieved. But it rang in her heart: It was never about my sin or their depth, or about me being perfect or reaching a standard. It was about the entirety that the redeemer went to to bring me out—and the fact that he is able to bring me out.
“I never thought of it that way.” She finally said. “I guess I kind of did think it was about deserving it. Thank you for that.”
Violet smiled gently at her. “It’s the truth.”
“How did you come to know that? Like where did you figure that out from?”
“From him. Knowing him. Reading his book. Experiencing his redemption. That greatness is for you, too, Kiera.”
Kiera looked away and smiled and stared past the pavement in front of her between her knees; at the strip of soft grass and dirt that was just below the fence.
“The greater the turn, the greater the turnaround. You can know him, too.”
“You learned all that from him? From Knowing him?”
“Yes. You can tell who the people are that actually are his and know him and seek to reflect him, because they’re different and changed. They reflect his love. His real love. The love that you only know by knowing him; by spending time with him; by accepting his redemption and letting it change your life. By experiencing his grace. Those people have such a great need to share that grace with everyone else, because it’s an overwhelming peace. An overwhelming awesome joy. Like, everyone always says if they could, they’d want to cause world peace… well, that’s why people who have it, want to share it. God’s redemption is peace. We’ve found world peace; who wouldn’t want to share it!! We can finally change the world and make a difference and help to cause world peace!! Those who truly are His are peacemakers and grace-givers and unconditional-love-ers—even if that has to be from a distance, only in prayer, because God doesn’t support domestic abuse.”
Kiera smiled at that last bit.
“It’s true!” Violet said.
“Thank you. For all of that. For this.”
“Of course. I hope you know that, as much as I’m human and limited, and I’m imperfect and mess up, I always have time for you and I do what I can to make sure that I can be there.”
Kiera smiled and thought for a moment. “You’re just different.” And she shook her head pleasantly. “There isn’t many people like you. I can probably count on less than a full hand the number of people I’ve met that are as genuinely loving as you.” She thought of the word special but didn’t say it.
“You just matter. And I know how bad it hurts to feel like you don’t.”
“I don’t know how anyone could make you feel like you don’t matter. You’re amazing.” She wondered aloud. “Of course, I say that, and I know I didn’t treat you good, either. …I’m sorry for that. I don’t know why it’s so easy to be unkind to nice people. That sounds bad, but for some reason it is.” And she looked up at the moon. Maybe her dad was up there.
“I’ve long since forgiven you.” Violet smiled. “I don’t remember really ever being mad about it to begin with. I was foolish and disrespectful; it was both of our faults.”
“You were fine.” Kiera said.
They were silent for a moment.
“You know,” Violet broke the silence in the cold night air, “I’m sorry for not sending you the money when you needed it to stay in that hotel. In Nashville. I don’t remember why I didn’t.”
Kiera gave a questioning look at first and then the memory dawned on her. “Oh.” And she smiled, “It’s fine, really.”
“I think I was afraid of it turning into a bad situation where I could never say no. I didn’t want our relationship to be strained by me feeling taken advantage of. I hated turning your request away. And I never meant to mention it to my mom, but it got to a point where she was helping me a lot with my bills and I had to be honest with her about where my money was going, and she was mad about it. She said I was draining myself. I just wanted to do what was right and love you well… and in the end, it was true; I was just letting myself be spineless. I feel like you lost a lot of respect for me during that time. …I wish life weren’t so complicated. I wish it hadn’t been the right thing to stop helping you. I hate that it seemed it was right to stop. I’m sorry if I was wrong and it wasn’t right.”
Kiera furrowed her brow and shook her head. “No. Don’t be sorry. I was taking advantage of you because you were so kind to me. And I let it make me angry that you stopped helping me because I had started to rely on that help. I felt like you were being hateful and uncaring and cold toward me, but I was on drugs at that time, too. I thought everyone and everything was against me or out to get me.”
“Why were you in Nasvhille? I think I asked you back then, and you never told me. I figured the answer was one to fear.”
Kiera smiled that smile that haplessly appears when she’s embarassed. “It was one to fear.” She continued, “I honestly haven’t even thought about that in a long time, though. You should let it go, sweetie.”
“I just have felt awful about it.”
“For all these years?” Kiera looked gently at her.
Violet nodded. “I felt cold turning you away. I felt cruel. I felt terrible and horrible and awful. And I’m sorry for it.”
“Don’t be. You did the right thing, sweetie. I was mad about it for a while, but then I forgot about it. My life is entirely drama, there was always something new to make me mad or afraid.”
“I’m sorry I was part of the drama, and not the peace.”
“Stop it.” Keira looks kindly but sternly at her. “You were a place of peace to me, more than you know. I know I didn’t show it. But that’s because of everything that was going on at that time. Honey, especially after this divorce I’ve been through, I know that sometimes hard and awful things are the right things to do. You had to stop helping me; you were bleeding yourself dry for me… nobody else had ever nor would ever do that for me nor even consider it… And yet you can even sit here and apologize and feel genuinely deeply sorry for the times you didn’t help, even when you really couldn’t, and for when you stopped helping me. I mean it when I say you have the sweetest heart of any human being that has ever walked this earth.” She smiled warmly as she spoke and then finished with a furrowed brow, “Don’t apologize to me. No.”
Violet meekly smiled, embarassed. “Thank you for saying that.” I really felt like I could have done everything a ton better though. She felt, but didn’t say. She slightly frowned.
Kiera watched her for a moment. “You’re in your head about it, aren’t you.”
Violet looked up at her with hot cheeks again and quietly responded, “Yes.”
Kiera chuckled and rubbed Violet’s shoulder, “You’re fine, sweetie.”
Violet met her eyes for a quick second and then looked away at the grass. They both did for a while, and Kiera smoked her blunt.
It was quiet outside and nearing eleven p.m.
Kiera broke the silence after a few minutes. “It’s peaceful, you know? Without Clarissa yelling at me for something, or without having to tiptoe around her mom. I don’t have to be perfect anymore. And sitting here with you…. It’s like being by myself but not lonely. If that makes sense. I’m not anxious next to you; I’m not sitting on pins or needles. It’s as quiet and peaceful as if no one was around, but then it’s comforting, because someone is here; just… someone gentle and patient and …” she couldn’t find the word she was looking for, but the words safe, kind, securing, good, quiet, meek all came to mind.
Violet smiled and felt the gentle wind brush her hair against her cheek.
Kiera took one last long drag on her joint and then set it under the elbow of the plaster wall. “I’m gonna head inside. It’s getting cold.”
“Okay,” Violet gets up as she does. “I’m glad I got to sit with you and talk to you.”
“Me too.” Kiera says.
“Hug?”
Kiera smiles, “Sure.” And she embraced her.
Kiera’s hug was so strong and gentle at the same time. Violet held her close. She’s such a precious human and Violet is determined to do everything in her power to let Kiera know that. She wondered how often Kiera had ever felt really loved and safely and comfortingly held.
She remembered a few years ago when Kiera had told her, “I don’t remember the last time I was held. Like just was held and felt safe.” She imagined that was different now, but her heart still ached for what love Kiera had missed out on that she never should have had to.
She still felt guilty for all the things she’d done to make Kiera want to push her away. She frowned slightly. She knew that Kiera had told her that she’d done nothing wrong, but she couldn’t help feeling awful and regretful nonetheless.
“Alright, I’m gonna go inside now.” Kiera chuckled.
“Oh! Sorry.” Violet get go of the hug and blushed.
“You were off in your head again, weren’t you?”
“Yes.” Violet meekly said. “I didn’t mean to trap you.”
Kiera chuckled again. “You didn’t trap me. I knew I just had to wake you up from your little world.” And before Violet could apologize again, she added, “And don’t say sorry. You are fine, baby.”
Violet chuckled. “Okay. Thank you for letting me sit with you.”
“I’m glad we talked.” Kiera said, and then to conclude the evening, she said, “Alright.”
“Alright.” And Violet turned to leave. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.” And they met each other’s eyes once more.
They parted company, but Violet looked back again, momentarily, though kept on going before Kiera could turn around.
“I’ll see you soon.” Kiera said. “Tomorrow?”
Violet turned to her and warmly smiled with giddiness, “Tomorrow it is.”
“Good.” Kiera smiled and turned back around, rounded the corner and went inside.
Violet heard the door softly slide open and then closed before she turned back around and jangled her keys. Her heart was light and giddy and bright. Full of joy.
You bring me joy, Kiera Sage Taylor. Violet whispered to herself as she got in her car and gripped the steering wheel with excitement and let out a small squeal of joy before turning the ignition, backing out of the lot, and heading home. She was so thankful for tonight, and for tomorrow–the expectation of getting to see her again.
Tomorrow is a beautiful gift to her that she couldn’t wait to cherish, just as she cherished tonight: sitting in the side yard against the concrete wall beneath the Junebugs dancing in the glow of that streetlamp and talking about everything under the moon with the person she loved the very very most. It was good to her, to know Kiera again. Maybe forever, this time. And her heart overflowed with joy at that thought.
Forever. With Kiera. Under the dancing Junebugs of this and every July starry night.
~end~
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